Thursday, June 9, 2011

"I dare you to let me be your one and only."

I am in love.

How weird is it to say that? How weird is that to comprehend? Me... a woman of no romantic feelings for 6 years has gradually yet suddenly fallen for the man she ONLY called her best friend for so long. I can't believe this has happened. How these emotions were birthed I have no idea but what I do know that I am so happy. I can't remember the last time I was this happy. It all feels so right. I don't worry about he and I, I don't stress about our future and the miles that separate us. On the contrary, I look forward to seeing how God will grow us and make us stronger despite the distance that is between us.

He has shown me more than any human being ever. He's shown me that human beings do have the ability to love others entirely despite flaws (which he has so amply demonstrated by being my friend), he has shown me that I am beautiful, especially when I do not feel like it, he has shown me that logic is to be taken into consideration along side my emotions, and above all, he has shown me that people can change. He changed due to the grace of the Lord which led him to me for us to finally find happiness together for the time we are given, and I changed my view on men completely thanks to the Lord's favor and delight in my soon-to-be dating relationship with him. I am dumbfounded at how He has changed us for each other.

I don't know what lies ahead for us. I don't know what God's plan is. But for now, I feel Him speaking this to me. Doors keep opening again and again which is a sure sign that the Lord has predestined and blessed this, and despite my non-romantic (hopefully soon romantic) self, I can't wait to love him more and more with every passing day and grow with him in our faith and our desire for the Lord. This man completes me in a way he will never understand,

Praise be to God.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13

Sunday, June 27, 2010

"Give me a little time, leave me a lone a little while. Maybe it's not too late; not today..."

"For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a man's misery weighs heavily upon him." Ecclesiastes 8:6

I have so many thoughts running through my brain now, I can't even begin to try and sort them all out in a very coherent manner... but who's reading this anyways?

First of all, one though has been on my mind for the past few hours. I wonder what it would be like to be friends with myself. I always wonder if I'll ever meet anyone like me, who POURS their entire being into multiple relationships and constantly puts their heart on the line, and sacrifices themselves all the time to make sure that the other party is happy. I'm not bragging, I'm just genuinely curious. And I realize that I don't always do those things, but they are really common for me so it's interesting to consider. What if I did meet someone like me? Would I hate them? Would I hate certain things about them and love other things? I have no idea. I have no idea what it's like to be friends with me. Maybe I'll have someone tell me sometime. The whole truth.

You know what sucks? Being stuck in the middle of a conflict. Not even a conflict, just ... a rough patch. When you have to be a communicator for at LEAST one party during a fight, it sucks. So much. I don't care if I'm good with words, I don't care that I'm willing to be there for people no matter what it costs me. It sucks. And then let's just say that your best friend gets really damaged by something that you had to communicate, and then they start to get angry with themselves for hurting this other person, and that in turn hurts you because you just so happen to emotionally attach yourself to everyone within a 1000 mile radius of your body. Really, it's awesome... not. Sometimes I wonder why I am this way. Why I let myself get so whole-heartedly attached to people who sometimes could care less. Or if they do care, have a very interesting way of showing it. I don't know if I'll ever understand. But what I do know is that I'll never change. My heart was made to be an open door. Not a door mat, no, but the door to my heart is always open. And there is always, ALWAYS room for more people and more love inside of it. It is ever growing, ever expanding; ever populating. And I wouldn't have it any other way. But I would really stop the pain if I could. I wish I could take the joy and the happiness of getting emotionally attached to someone and get rid of the pain and agony and serious spiritual/emotional sickness when something is wrong with them. I feel it. I suffer along with them, no matter what.

And you know what? This all leads back to my love for attention. Why would someone be focusing on their problems when they could be focusing on me and my consistent optimism? Yes, that is honestly how selfish I am. Can you believe it? I would rather someone focus on me and my "words of wisdom" than shut themselves off or figure out what they're thinking alone. I can't stand to be out of the loop. My human nature gets the better of me so much and it's so disgusting. I wish I wasn't such a freak for attention. I pray that God will continue to remove that poision from my blood stream.

Guess what? Tomorrrow is a new day. A fresh slate. A chance to start again, a chance to address an issue in a different way; a chance to react to every single that happens differently. Tomorrow is a whole new 24 hour adventure, a new opportunity in and of itself. How could I pass that up? Here goes.

"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up." James 4:10

Sunday, June 20, 2010

"When you call, my heart stops beating; when you're gone, it won't stop bleeding."

In his heart a man plans his coures, but the LORD determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Many things to discuss today. For one thing, I am stressed beyond belief. Getting college stuff thrown at you, even periodically, is enough to drive you insane. So far I am like, $5,550 short for college. I have no idea where that money is going to come from. My butt? Not to mention, I already am going to have $4,500 in Stafford subsidized/unsubsidized loans. I can't imagine having this much debt hanging over my head when I get out of my college. What am I even going to do? The stress is eating me alive. Anytime I'm confronted with anything concerning college financial aid, I want to pass out, puke, cry, and run screaming simultaneously. I don't know what I'm going to do, but if I've learned ANYTHING in my life, it's that God is in control, no matter what. And He's waiting for us to choose Him over worry. And He can work some amazingly in the way that once you give it all up, all your ducks will be perfectly in a row. Your transition can be smooth as butter if you just simply trust Him. And so I will. Plus, I'm out of options... but God has to be the ONLY option, just *an* option.

Second reason I'm sad today, my best friend is leaving for six days. Ugh, this is horrible. He and I are very, very close and we text all the time, so this is going to be hard. But it will prepare us for when I go away to college, and more importantly, I know he's going to be growing closer to the Lord our God on this trip. God is going go reveal such marvelous things to him, I can feel it. But my heart is heavy with the distance :(

Third reason I'm sad today, I am preparing to say goodbye to a part of my life. There is a boy in my life who I have known for quite some time. And he was my best friend. And my attachment to him was unlike any other attachment I have ever had in my life. And he hurt me, and really shattered my heart into a thousand pieces, and never cared to put it back together or even try. He left me hanging like shrimp on a hook and never cared to take another glance in my direction. And I spent years of my life trying to recall what I did wrong, trying to relive the past, trying to make the same things happen that had happened in the past. I spent years of my life wondering what I did wrong, and how I could fix it. And eventually I realized... it wasn't me. I didn't do anything. This man changed into a person I didn't know anymore. The man I loved, my best friend, died. He doesn't exist anymore. And I have to stop clutching onto this hope that he will come back. And I need to stop pretending that one day he will tell me what went wrong, and what made him stop loving me, and why he abandoned who he truly is for this superficial, uncaring, indecent person. Anyways, today I boxed up everything in my room that belonged to him and/or was associated with him. Everything is in two boxes, and as soon as my best friend gets back, we're going to burn all of it. I need to say goodbye. I can't hold onto this person anymore. This person does not exist. And the scariest part of this process is: that piece of my heart that I gave to my best friend will be burning along with all of those things because he doesn't exist anymore, and this new person doesn't want it. Distance really can do wonders to people... and to relationships.

My heart and mind are in a million difference places. But at the end of the day, God is still God. I believe that, I trust that, I embrace that with my entire being. I don't know what I'm going ANY of the time, and I don't know where to go or who to trust. But He is still faithful. His mercies and His graces rain down on me all the time, so undeservedly. Or I guess deservedly now, thanks to the blood of Christ that cleanses me.

I am stressed... but I am free.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough worries of its own. Matthew 7:6

Thursday, June 17, 2010

"I'm learning to fall with no safety net to cushion the blow."

"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." Proverbs 17: 17

I've been thinking about this for the past few minutes because it's been on my mind, but it's something I really should think about all the time...

How INCREDIBLY lucky am I to live the life that I live? I mean, scratch all the superficial stuff like a good house and water to drink and food to eat (gag) and money and belongings which SO contribute to it. But ignore those for a second. I am the most BLESSED girl alive. I have been given such an amazing life. I have the best friends in the world. I can't even explain it to you. I have friends that drive down sketchy roads at 10pm at night with me, friends that deal with my alternate way of life, friends that love me more than their own body and PROVE it, friends that come to my house to watch movies they don't even want to see, friends that check up on me when I'm feeling terrible even when I'm the worst person to be talking to at that moment, friends who make me feel beautiful when I'm absolutely hideous, friends who pray for me consistently (which I know saves my life in so many ways), friends who reflect Jesus in nearly everything they do, friends who want to stay with me no matter how much baggage I bring to the table, friends who talk to me on the phone late at night, friends who protect me from evil (even when I don't see the evil), friends who make cookies/cakes just to make others happy, friends who consistently sacrifice things in their life to see me and other loved ones smile, friends who make me feel like I'm worth something when I feel like the scum of the earth, friends who put up with my INCREDIBLY annoying quirks, friends who laugh at and semi-encourage my sadistic sense of humor, friends who hold me when I'm tired/down/alone, friends who make me remember why I'm so optimistic everyday, friends who strengthen my spirit, friends who make me realize all the things I'm missing in life when I don't even realize something's missing, friends who see me for who I am, and not what I say.

And those are only the positive things! My friends also show me when I'm in the wrong, my friends confront me in love when the truly see an issue that needs to be dealt with, my friends give me a firm hand when I need it, my friends tell me when I'm not being myself, my friends tell me when I need to be more Christ-like, my friends tell me what I need to hear even when it's the LAST thing I want to hear, my friends help me see the lost causes when my heart is too immersed to see it, my friends protect me from my horribly inept self, my friends see the stupid things I do in life and rebuke me for them, my friends point out the sin in my life, my friends tell me flat out what they disagree with in me and motivate me to change it, my friends tell me when I'm not living up to my potential, my friends show me when something is getting the better of me.

Those only scratch the surface of the wonderful things the people I love have done in my life. I have been given this amazing opportunity to know such beautiful, wonderful, caring people who have changed my life so drastically. My entire outlook on life is different because of them. Without the love of my friends, how could I be so optimistic in this life? Without their love, hence Christ's love, how would I ever be able to wear a smile? How would I ever be able to face even one minute of the day? But I CAN do those things because I am not alone. I'm not alone in anyway. And sometimes I feel like I am, and in my heart at times I may be, but at the end of all things, I have a family of people surrounding who share in my pain and happiness. People who are hurt when I am hurt and carry me through every trial I'm too weak to endure by myself. I am such a weird person. I have so many quirks and strange habits that no one should have to put up with, but they do. They see them and LOVE me for them, not because they have to or because they're guilted into it (at least I hope not), but because they WANT to. They see Jesus inside of me and constantly push me to be Him, everyday of the week. No matter how far away from His likeness I've fallen.

My heart is overflowing with so many emotions right now. I'm so in awe of God and everything He's entrusted to me. So many hearts sit in the palm of my hand. And I've been given the task of taking care of them. And in turn, those hearts I hold are taking care of my heart, too. I'm surrounded by so much love and compassion sometimes I seriously can not fathom it. I can't understand how I'm deserving of such a beautiful life. But what I do know: Jesus traded His righteousness for my dirty, sinfulness which opened up endless possibilities for my life. And now, I'm deserving of anything. Now, I'm free to achieve anything. Now, nothing can hold me back. Not pain or hurt or self-doubt or health issues or being a hypochondriac or worthlessness or fear or nervousness or dismay. Nothing's holding me back in this new life I've been given. It's like everyday I'm a brand new creation, waiting to start everyday all over again. With the same beautiful people by my side, facing every new trial and obstacle right along with me.

I know I'm not describing this well. But... I love you all. So much I can't even begin to describe it. I love you so much it pains me to know you hurt or you're scared or you're alone. I know when we get to heaven (FINALLY) I'll finally be able to describe to you exactly how much you affected my life for the better, but for now all I can say is that you DIRECTLY affect everything I do. You make me who I am and you provide me with a constant safety net. You are the consistency in my life and without you, I would be nothing. Not one single thing.

Thank you, Jesus.

"Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." Proverbs 27: 6

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

"When you go would you even turn to say, 'I don't like you like I did yesterday.'?"

But I call to God, and the LORD saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice. He ransoms me unharmed from the battle waged against me, even though many oppose me. God, who is enthroned forever, will hear them and afflict them-- Pslam 55: 16-19


I am so frustrated right now. I literally want to tear my hair out. How can someone expect their friendship with you to be strong if they shut you out/shut off their emotions around you/respond so shortly to everything you say? I'm so aggravated I could kill someone or cry or scream or break my hand by punching my wall. I DON'T WHAT TO DO. I don't know what it is about me that is so inadequate for you. I don't know why you can't just be the way you used to be with me. What changed on your end? Because on my end nothing has changed. I still love you as much as I did. I still love you the same WAY I did back then. There is nothing weird going on here. Why are you reading into this so much? I can not for the life of me understand why you want to push me away. It is hurting me so terribly.

We made promises. We made promises to each other that we would be honest, even if it meant hurting the other person's feelings. We promised we would never walk on egg shells with each other or sugar coat anything that needed to be said. But we are doing EXACTLY that because you don't tell me ANYTHING (due to fear or anger or confusion, I don't know what) and I won't tell you how I feel because I am so, so scared to lose you. The last time we fought I was in so much pain I literally can not describe it to you. My heart was completely broken. And we were on the rocks for many, many hours. I don't want to know what would happen this time around. I don't know if you'd be able to forgive me if I said anything offensive; I don't know if you are honestly in a place right now where you can hear what I have to say openly. I don't know if mentally you are in the right place for me to say what I need to say without you getting your back up.

It's killing me that something has changed. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry I can't hold you. I'm sorry if I did anything to hurt you or make you sad or make you feel like I'm not who you thought I was. I don't know what to do anymore. You can only TRULY love me for everything I am and everything I DEFINITELY am not. And those are yours to accept, on your own time. But you should know: it's not a half and half deal. You either love ALL OF ME or you do not love me PERIOD. I can't have someone who can handle my encouraging, endearing, loving side and shut out my emotional, inquisitive, worrisome side. If you can't accept both then you can't accept me. PERIOD.

The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD; he is their stronghold in times of trouble. The LORD helps them and delivers them; he delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in him. Psalm 37: 39-40

Saturday, May 8, 2010

"And up until I had sworn that I was content with loneliness."

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37: 4

Things work out. Even when we don't see it ahead of time.

There are situations that confront us and immediately we think we know the outcome. It is our human nature to look at a situation and automatically assume which way it's going to go. But (thank GOD) sometimes we are wrong. Even when things seem to be completely in the pooper, things can still work out to make everyone happy. And even if things may not be the way they were in the beginning, they're still exponentially better than they were to begin with. I know I'm being so evasive and I'm not making any sense by beating around the bush. But really, what I'm saying is OBVIOUS. It's spelled out for you. You just have to experience it to know what I mean; how to relate.

God is good. And He is faithful. And even when we won't see a way out, He provides one. Even when peace seems so far off, it is not; He gives us his OVERWHELMING peace for the millionth time, when we're most undeserving of it. Situations can seem so hopeless. But our God is not a good of hopelessness. Our God is a God of deliverance.

What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. Romans 7: 24-25

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

"My heart sank when I read that letter."

"Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow it will worry about itself. Each day has enough worries of its own." Matthew 6: 34

And sometimes I find that it's easier to let go of today's worries, too.

How frustrating is it when you come off totally differently than you intended? Prime example: I wanted to talk to my friend tonight and I seemed like the clingiest person alive. Maybe I come off that way sometimes without realizing it. I love people, I love conversations, I love attention (which we've come to realize as of late ... gag me) so I can see how "clinginess" would seem like a good descriptor of me but I sincerely hope that is not the case. I don't want to be a clingy, desperate person. I do not want that to be my nature. Nor do I want to be understood as that kind of person.

I think that sometimes even the people we love the most can misunderstand us. And even though this person and myself only texted a few times just to get the point, "I can't talk right now," I think maybe there are some unspoken annoyances in that situation that aren't going to be brought to light. And it's frustrating because I'm thinking, "You know me. You know how I am. Please don't get frustrated when I care about you or I want to talk to you." And even though this specific person didn't say he was annoyed, I have a suspicion that he was.

My advice in any situation like this would be: don't jump to conclusions. Understand that certain people are a certain way for a certain person and even if they annoy you, it's their way of showing that they love you. Sometimes it's hard for people to understand that who don't have this emotional flaw, but, try to be understanding nonetheless. They will appreciate it and hopefully, it will help you not jump to as many conclusions.

Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will be like him yourself. Proverbs 26: 4