Tuesday, May 11, 2010

"When you go would you even turn to say, 'I don't like you like I did yesterday.'?"

But I call to God, and the LORD saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice. He ransoms me unharmed from the battle waged against me, even though many oppose me. God, who is enthroned forever, will hear them and afflict them-- Pslam 55: 16-19


I am so frustrated right now. I literally want to tear my hair out. How can someone expect their friendship with you to be strong if they shut you out/shut off their emotions around you/respond so shortly to everything you say? I'm so aggravated I could kill someone or cry or scream or break my hand by punching my wall. I DON'T WHAT TO DO. I don't know what it is about me that is so inadequate for you. I don't know why you can't just be the way you used to be with me. What changed on your end? Because on my end nothing has changed. I still love you as much as I did. I still love you the same WAY I did back then. There is nothing weird going on here. Why are you reading into this so much? I can not for the life of me understand why you want to push me away. It is hurting me so terribly.

We made promises. We made promises to each other that we would be honest, even if it meant hurting the other person's feelings. We promised we would never walk on egg shells with each other or sugar coat anything that needed to be said. But we are doing EXACTLY that because you don't tell me ANYTHING (due to fear or anger or confusion, I don't know what) and I won't tell you how I feel because I am so, so scared to lose you. The last time we fought I was in so much pain I literally can not describe it to you. My heart was completely broken. And we were on the rocks for many, many hours. I don't want to know what would happen this time around. I don't know if you'd be able to forgive me if I said anything offensive; I don't know if you are honestly in a place right now where you can hear what I have to say openly. I don't know if mentally you are in the right place for me to say what I need to say without you getting your back up.

It's killing me that something has changed. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry I can't hold you. I'm sorry if I did anything to hurt you or make you sad or make you feel like I'm not who you thought I was. I don't know what to do anymore. You can only TRULY love me for everything I am and everything I DEFINITELY am not. And those are yours to accept, on your own time. But you should know: it's not a half and half deal. You either love ALL OF ME or you do not love me PERIOD. I can't have someone who can handle my encouraging, endearing, loving side and shut out my emotional, inquisitive, worrisome side. If you can't accept both then you can't accept me. PERIOD.

The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD; he is their stronghold in times of trouble. The LORD helps them and delivers them; he delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in him. Psalm 37: 39-40

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