Sunday, June 27, 2010

"Give me a little time, leave me a lone a little while. Maybe it's not too late; not today..."

"For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a man's misery weighs heavily upon him." Ecclesiastes 8:6

I have so many thoughts running through my brain now, I can't even begin to try and sort them all out in a very coherent manner... but who's reading this anyways?

First of all, one though has been on my mind for the past few hours. I wonder what it would be like to be friends with myself. I always wonder if I'll ever meet anyone like me, who POURS their entire being into multiple relationships and constantly puts their heart on the line, and sacrifices themselves all the time to make sure that the other party is happy. I'm not bragging, I'm just genuinely curious. And I realize that I don't always do those things, but they are really common for me so it's interesting to consider. What if I did meet someone like me? Would I hate them? Would I hate certain things about them and love other things? I have no idea. I have no idea what it's like to be friends with me. Maybe I'll have someone tell me sometime. The whole truth.

You know what sucks? Being stuck in the middle of a conflict. Not even a conflict, just ... a rough patch. When you have to be a communicator for at LEAST one party during a fight, it sucks. So much. I don't care if I'm good with words, I don't care that I'm willing to be there for people no matter what it costs me. It sucks. And then let's just say that your best friend gets really damaged by something that you had to communicate, and then they start to get angry with themselves for hurting this other person, and that in turn hurts you because you just so happen to emotionally attach yourself to everyone within a 1000 mile radius of your body. Really, it's awesome... not. Sometimes I wonder why I am this way. Why I let myself get so whole-heartedly attached to people who sometimes could care less. Or if they do care, have a very interesting way of showing it. I don't know if I'll ever understand. But what I do know is that I'll never change. My heart was made to be an open door. Not a door mat, no, but the door to my heart is always open. And there is always, ALWAYS room for more people and more love inside of it. It is ever growing, ever expanding; ever populating. And I wouldn't have it any other way. But I would really stop the pain if I could. I wish I could take the joy and the happiness of getting emotionally attached to someone and get rid of the pain and agony and serious spiritual/emotional sickness when something is wrong with them. I feel it. I suffer along with them, no matter what.

And you know what? This all leads back to my love for attention. Why would someone be focusing on their problems when they could be focusing on me and my consistent optimism? Yes, that is honestly how selfish I am. Can you believe it? I would rather someone focus on me and my "words of wisdom" than shut themselves off or figure out what they're thinking alone. I can't stand to be out of the loop. My human nature gets the better of me so much and it's so disgusting. I wish I wasn't such a freak for attention. I pray that God will continue to remove that poision from my blood stream.

Guess what? Tomorrrow is a new day. A fresh slate. A chance to start again, a chance to address an issue in a different way; a chance to react to every single that happens differently. Tomorrow is a whole new 24 hour adventure, a new opportunity in and of itself. How could I pass that up? Here goes.

"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up." James 4:10

Sunday, June 20, 2010

"When you call, my heart stops beating; when you're gone, it won't stop bleeding."

In his heart a man plans his coures, but the LORD determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Many things to discuss today. For one thing, I am stressed beyond belief. Getting college stuff thrown at you, even periodically, is enough to drive you insane. So far I am like, $5,550 short for college. I have no idea where that money is going to come from. My butt? Not to mention, I already am going to have $4,500 in Stafford subsidized/unsubsidized loans. I can't imagine having this much debt hanging over my head when I get out of my college. What am I even going to do? The stress is eating me alive. Anytime I'm confronted with anything concerning college financial aid, I want to pass out, puke, cry, and run screaming simultaneously. I don't know what I'm going to do, but if I've learned ANYTHING in my life, it's that God is in control, no matter what. And He's waiting for us to choose Him over worry. And He can work some amazingly in the way that once you give it all up, all your ducks will be perfectly in a row. Your transition can be smooth as butter if you just simply trust Him. And so I will. Plus, I'm out of options... but God has to be the ONLY option, just *an* option.

Second reason I'm sad today, my best friend is leaving for six days. Ugh, this is horrible. He and I are very, very close and we text all the time, so this is going to be hard. But it will prepare us for when I go away to college, and more importantly, I know he's going to be growing closer to the Lord our God on this trip. God is going go reveal such marvelous things to him, I can feel it. But my heart is heavy with the distance :(

Third reason I'm sad today, I am preparing to say goodbye to a part of my life. There is a boy in my life who I have known for quite some time. And he was my best friend. And my attachment to him was unlike any other attachment I have ever had in my life. And he hurt me, and really shattered my heart into a thousand pieces, and never cared to put it back together or even try. He left me hanging like shrimp on a hook and never cared to take another glance in my direction. And I spent years of my life trying to recall what I did wrong, trying to relive the past, trying to make the same things happen that had happened in the past. I spent years of my life wondering what I did wrong, and how I could fix it. And eventually I realized... it wasn't me. I didn't do anything. This man changed into a person I didn't know anymore. The man I loved, my best friend, died. He doesn't exist anymore. And I have to stop clutching onto this hope that he will come back. And I need to stop pretending that one day he will tell me what went wrong, and what made him stop loving me, and why he abandoned who he truly is for this superficial, uncaring, indecent person. Anyways, today I boxed up everything in my room that belonged to him and/or was associated with him. Everything is in two boxes, and as soon as my best friend gets back, we're going to burn all of it. I need to say goodbye. I can't hold onto this person anymore. This person does not exist. And the scariest part of this process is: that piece of my heart that I gave to my best friend will be burning along with all of those things because he doesn't exist anymore, and this new person doesn't want it. Distance really can do wonders to people... and to relationships.

My heart and mind are in a million difference places. But at the end of the day, God is still God. I believe that, I trust that, I embrace that with my entire being. I don't know what I'm going ANY of the time, and I don't know where to go or who to trust. But He is still faithful. His mercies and His graces rain down on me all the time, so undeservedly. Or I guess deservedly now, thanks to the blood of Christ that cleanses me.

I am stressed... but I am free.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough worries of its own. Matthew 7:6

Thursday, June 17, 2010

"I'm learning to fall with no safety net to cushion the blow."

"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." Proverbs 17: 17

I've been thinking about this for the past few minutes because it's been on my mind, but it's something I really should think about all the time...

How INCREDIBLY lucky am I to live the life that I live? I mean, scratch all the superficial stuff like a good house and water to drink and food to eat (gag) and money and belongings which SO contribute to it. But ignore those for a second. I am the most BLESSED girl alive. I have been given such an amazing life. I have the best friends in the world. I can't even explain it to you. I have friends that drive down sketchy roads at 10pm at night with me, friends that deal with my alternate way of life, friends that love me more than their own body and PROVE it, friends that come to my house to watch movies they don't even want to see, friends that check up on me when I'm feeling terrible even when I'm the worst person to be talking to at that moment, friends who make me feel beautiful when I'm absolutely hideous, friends who pray for me consistently (which I know saves my life in so many ways), friends who reflect Jesus in nearly everything they do, friends who want to stay with me no matter how much baggage I bring to the table, friends who talk to me on the phone late at night, friends who protect me from evil (even when I don't see the evil), friends who make cookies/cakes just to make others happy, friends who consistently sacrifice things in their life to see me and other loved ones smile, friends who make me feel like I'm worth something when I feel like the scum of the earth, friends who put up with my INCREDIBLY annoying quirks, friends who laugh at and semi-encourage my sadistic sense of humor, friends who hold me when I'm tired/down/alone, friends who make me remember why I'm so optimistic everyday, friends who strengthen my spirit, friends who make me realize all the things I'm missing in life when I don't even realize something's missing, friends who see me for who I am, and not what I say.

And those are only the positive things! My friends also show me when I'm in the wrong, my friends confront me in love when the truly see an issue that needs to be dealt with, my friends give me a firm hand when I need it, my friends tell me when I'm not being myself, my friends tell me when I need to be more Christ-like, my friends tell me what I need to hear even when it's the LAST thing I want to hear, my friends help me see the lost causes when my heart is too immersed to see it, my friends protect me from my horribly inept self, my friends see the stupid things I do in life and rebuke me for them, my friends point out the sin in my life, my friends tell me flat out what they disagree with in me and motivate me to change it, my friends tell me when I'm not living up to my potential, my friends show me when something is getting the better of me.

Those only scratch the surface of the wonderful things the people I love have done in my life. I have been given this amazing opportunity to know such beautiful, wonderful, caring people who have changed my life so drastically. My entire outlook on life is different because of them. Without the love of my friends, how could I be so optimistic in this life? Without their love, hence Christ's love, how would I ever be able to wear a smile? How would I ever be able to face even one minute of the day? But I CAN do those things because I am not alone. I'm not alone in anyway. And sometimes I feel like I am, and in my heart at times I may be, but at the end of all things, I have a family of people surrounding who share in my pain and happiness. People who are hurt when I am hurt and carry me through every trial I'm too weak to endure by myself. I am such a weird person. I have so many quirks and strange habits that no one should have to put up with, but they do. They see them and LOVE me for them, not because they have to or because they're guilted into it (at least I hope not), but because they WANT to. They see Jesus inside of me and constantly push me to be Him, everyday of the week. No matter how far away from His likeness I've fallen.

My heart is overflowing with so many emotions right now. I'm so in awe of God and everything He's entrusted to me. So many hearts sit in the palm of my hand. And I've been given the task of taking care of them. And in turn, those hearts I hold are taking care of my heart, too. I'm surrounded by so much love and compassion sometimes I seriously can not fathom it. I can't understand how I'm deserving of such a beautiful life. But what I do know: Jesus traded His righteousness for my dirty, sinfulness which opened up endless possibilities for my life. And now, I'm deserving of anything. Now, I'm free to achieve anything. Now, nothing can hold me back. Not pain or hurt or self-doubt or health issues or being a hypochondriac or worthlessness or fear or nervousness or dismay. Nothing's holding me back in this new life I've been given. It's like everyday I'm a brand new creation, waiting to start everyday all over again. With the same beautiful people by my side, facing every new trial and obstacle right along with me.

I know I'm not describing this well. But... I love you all. So much I can't even begin to describe it. I love you so much it pains me to know you hurt or you're scared or you're alone. I know when we get to heaven (FINALLY) I'll finally be able to describe to you exactly how much you affected my life for the better, but for now all I can say is that you DIRECTLY affect everything I do. You make me who I am and you provide me with a constant safety net. You are the consistency in my life and without you, I would be nothing. Not one single thing.

Thank you, Jesus.

"Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." Proverbs 27: 6

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

"When you go would you even turn to say, 'I don't like you like I did yesterday.'?"

But I call to God, and the LORD saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice. He ransoms me unharmed from the battle waged against me, even though many oppose me. God, who is enthroned forever, will hear them and afflict them-- Pslam 55: 16-19


I am so frustrated right now. I literally want to tear my hair out. How can someone expect their friendship with you to be strong if they shut you out/shut off their emotions around you/respond so shortly to everything you say? I'm so aggravated I could kill someone or cry or scream or break my hand by punching my wall. I DON'T WHAT TO DO. I don't know what it is about me that is so inadequate for you. I don't know why you can't just be the way you used to be with me. What changed on your end? Because on my end nothing has changed. I still love you as much as I did. I still love you the same WAY I did back then. There is nothing weird going on here. Why are you reading into this so much? I can not for the life of me understand why you want to push me away. It is hurting me so terribly.

We made promises. We made promises to each other that we would be honest, even if it meant hurting the other person's feelings. We promised we would never walk on egg shells with each other or sugar coat anything that needed to be said. But we are doing EXACTLY that because you don't tell me ANYTHING (due to fear or anger or confusion, I don't know what) and I won't tell you how I feel because I am so, so scared to lose you. The last time we fought I was in so much pain I literally can not describe it to you. My heart was completely broken. And we were on the rocks for many, many hours. I don't want to know what would happen this time around. I don't know if you'd be able to forgive me if I said anything offensive; I don't know if you are honestly in a place right now where you can hear what I have to say openly. I don't know if mentally you are in the right place for me to say what I need to say without you getting your back up.

It's killing me that something has changed. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry I can't hold you. I'm sorry if I did anything to hurt you or make you sad or make you feel like I'm not who you thought I was. I don't know what to do anymore. You can only TRULY love me for everything I am and everything I DEFINITELY am not. And those are yours to accept, on your own time. But you should know: it's not a half and half deal. You either love ALL OF ME or you do not love me PERIOD. I can't have someone who can handle my encouraging, endearing, loving side and shut out my emotional, inquisitive, worrisome side. If you can't accept both then you can't accept me. PERIOD.

The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD; he is their stronghold in times of trouble. The LORD helps them and delivers them; he delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in him. Psalm 37: 39-40

Saturday, May 8, 2010

"And up until I had sworn that I was content with loneliness."

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37: 4

Things work out. Even when we don't see it ahead of time.

There are situations that confront us and immediately we think we know the outcome. It is our human nature to look at a situation and automatically assume which way it's going to go. But (thank GOD) sometimes we are wrong. Even when things seem to be completely in the pooper, things can still work out to make everyone happy. And even if things may not be the way they were in the beginning, they're still exponentially better than they were to begin with. I know I'm being so evasive and I'm not making any sense by beating around the bush. But really, what I'm saying is OBVIOUS. It's spelled out for you. You just have to experience it to know what I mean; how to relate.

God is good. And He is faithful. And even when we won't see a way out, He provides one. Even when peace seems so far off, it is not; He gives us his OVERWHELMING peace for the millionth time, when we're most undeserving of it. Situations can seem so hopeless. But our God is not a good of hopelessness. Our God is a God of deliverance.

What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. Romans 7: 24-25

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

"My heart sank when I read that letter."

"Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow it will worry about itself. Each day has enough worries of its own." Matthew 6: 34

And sometimes I find that it's easier to let go of today's worries, too.

How frustrating is it when you come off totally differently than you intended? Prime example: I wanted to talk to my friend tonight and I seemed like the clingiest person alive. Maybe I come off that way sometimes without realizing it. I love people, I love conversations, I love attention (which we've come to realize as of late ... gag me) so I can see how "clinginess" would seem like a good descriptor of me but I sincerely hope that is not the case. I don't want to be a clingy, desperate person. I do not want that to be my nature. Nor do I want to be understood as that kind of person.

I think that sometimes even the people we love the most can misunderstand us. And even though this person and myself only texted a few times just to get the point, "I can't talk right now," I think maybe there are some unspoken annoyances in that situation that aren't going to be brought to light. And it's frustrating because I'm thinking, "You know me. You know how I am. Please don't get frustrated when I care about you or I want to talk to you." And even though this specific person didn't say he was annoyed, I have a suspicion that he was.

My advice in any situation like this would be: don't jump to conclusions. Understand that certain people are a certain way for a certain person and even if they annoy you, it's their way of showing that they love you. Sometimes it's hard for people to understand that who don't have this emotional flaw, but, try to be understanding nonetheless. They will appreciate it and hopefully, it will help you not jump to as many conclusions.

Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will be like him yourself. Proverbs 26: 4

Monday, May 3, 2010

"And it was then I realized the conscience never fades."

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

First of all, I want to begin by saying this: I know every single thing happens for a reason. Let us move on.

I am totally lost. Something happened recently, a falling out between a friend and myself, and now our dynamic is completely different. The way we talk is different, the way we feel is different sometimes, the way we prioritize our time is different. And maybe all of these are good things in one way or another, but some of them are not. At least they're not good in my heart. We used to be so lovey dovey all the time and then after one falling out, everything changed completely. He can't even say "I love you" all the way now. I completely avoid deep conversations because I'm scared the outcome will be the same as the last fight (the one that caused this.) Sometimes I seriously wonder if he hates me even though I always come back to reality and convince myself he doesn't because I know he doesn't. I don't know what's happening or what changed in him. Maybe he and I have different views on what a friendship could be and he never realized it before and all of a sudden it hit him when we got into that fight. Maybe his mindset/worldview completely changed after that argument of ours. But if that was the case, why wouldn't he explain himself to me? Why COULDN'T he explain himself to me? Is avoiding the issue SO important to him that he's willing to leave me hanging just so he can find some peace in ignorance?

I don't know what he's thinking, and I'm too scared to ask. I'm too scared to try and get under his skin and deep into his brain because he's already distanced himself from me due to the last time we had a super serious conversation. Who's to say he won't COMPLETELY shut himself off from me this time? I don't want to push and making anything harder on him. I just want to understand.

I don't know if I ever will understand. He told me himself he wasn't really up for talking about it (which I absolutely was/am because I am a WOMAN and I CONFRONT things in the hopes of FIXING them, he is a man and clearly does not want the same things) and I'm doing my best to respect his wishes. All things considered, I think I've done a great job of trying to keep our friendship semi-on the surface recently and not digging into anything too too serious. Maybe he needs time to heal, time to register everything that happened and realize that he's over reacting. Or maybe our dynamic has seriously changed for good and it just is what it is. Once again I'll have to deal with the pain of getting my heart broken and settle for what works for the other party involved. Not me. And that's what I do, is it not? I sacrifice to make other people happy. I give up my happiness to see it abundantly in others. That's the way of my world. And it shouldn't surprise me now. Old habits die hard, this is no different. Maybe I will have to settle once again... when I thought in this case it would NEVER be necessary. And by "settle" I don't mean settle for HIM because he is a great deal more than what I deserve in a friendship. But I mean settle for this pain to make sure that he is comfortable and happy.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6: 9

Monday, April 19, 2010

"Next time you point a finger, I'll point you to the mirror."

"And I want you to stress these things, so that those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing waht is good. These things are excellent and profitable for everyone." Titus 3: 8b

It is so hard disagreeing with your best friends on something semi-major and simultaneously insignificant. It's especially hard when you and EVERY ONE of your closest friends hold a different view on a matter. In my case, it's the boundaries girl friends and guy friends should have. I hold the view that touching hands is okay and hugging is okay as long as there's no PDA involved. I think it's perfectly fine for someone whose love language is touch to show their affection to another human being in that way. As long as both parties know there are no romantic feelings involved, what is the big deal? In my opinion it ISN'T a big deal, but everyone else seems to think it is.

Here's the thing: my reputation is important to me. I want to be remembered for good things. I want to be remembered for following the rules and making wise choices. I want to be remembered for the wonderful things I did. I don't want to leave my school with a bad after taste after my departure. I want everyone to understand that the way I show my love to people is through TOUCH, and that I have NO ULTERIOR MOTIVES! I don't have any tricks up my sleeve. I'm not trying to bend the rules. I'm not trying to be rebellious. I'm just being me, who happens to show my love to people through touch and hugs and lots of laughter. I think that's too much for some people to accept, though.

I know this will not always be an issue. I know my God does everything for my good. And I can only pray that me reputation is solid. Maybe it's time to me to start being more careful for the sake of my reputation.

"For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 2 Timothy 4: 6-7

Sunday, April 18, 2010

"What's she got that I don't have? What's she got that I don't have?"

"O LORD, I call to you; come quickly to me. Hear my voice when I call to you." Pslam 141: 1

First of all, let me just say that being the second option in life REALLY ROCKS. Not. Honestly, I've been number my whole life. In every relationship I've ever been in I've been number two. And countless times I've gotten into relationships with people where I swear I won't be. I swear they love me enough that I won't be their second option. I swear they're attentive enough to my feelings that they won't view me as their back up plan. And I get proven wrong every time. Clearly I should not be getting my hopes up about friendships in general, but I am an eternally optimistic person and I can not help the way that I view life. In my eyes, the cup will always be half full. There's no getting around it. Hence, I'm sure I will be let down in some way, everyday for the rest of my life. It what it is.

What is it about me that screams "second option!"? I have a theory, and it might be far fetched, but here it is. Maybe I am people's second option because everyone else (and their mother) has a significant other of some sort to worry about and I don't. I have shut myself off from the romantic side of life when ALL of my friends have not, so maybe I seriously am their second option because they put their boy toy/girl toy (as a matter of speaking) ahead of me on their list of priorities. If this is the case, it has been happening my entire life and I should not be surprised. But it still stings just as much the 500th time as it did the first time. I never become immune to emotional pain. Why can't I just move forward with life? Why can't I build walls around my heart? WHY CAN'T I GUARD MY HEART? I am incapable. I am a doormat to humanity and I am a doormat to the people I care about and I have a sick feeling that it will always be this way. Isn't that just fabulous?

For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. 1 John 3: 20b.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

"Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?"

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 5: 3

Tonight my mind is plagued by two separate things. Both have to do with love, but one does not have to do with me. Also, one does not make sense. It will not make sense to anyone who reads it (even though no one will) because it doesn't make sense to me. So, be prepared for some word vomit.

First, my best friend is absolutely heart broken today. And it absolutely destroys me inside. She is having some major relationship problems with her boyfriend right now and it is honestly boiling down to -- "do I want to be with him or not?" There are major differences between the two of them that they are just not sure they can get past. He seems to be careless and unfeeling and guilty at times and he chooses other things over her. Is this something she can live with for forever? That is what she is trying to decide. For me, it's so black and white. It's either stay with him or don't and make up your mind quickly about it. I don't like let things linger. But this is not at all how the situation is. This break up/reconciliation (whatever they decide) will take time and space and tears and time in the Word. And eventually they will have to come to some consensus, one way or another. But God is good and God is faithful, and He number one always has our best interests at heart, and number two NEVER gives us anything He knows we can not handle. How much does that say about her character that He is giving her such a ginormous, seemingly insurpassable obstacle in her life? I know she will come out victorious, no matter what the outcome is. But because her heart is broken, my heart is broken. And I am in pain with her every step of the way until this is resolved.
That would be my advice to anyone who's dealing with a break up or emotional trauma: NEVER FORGET that you are surrounded by "such a great cloud of witnesses" (Heb. 12), people who love you with all their hearts and are willing and able to help you through it and will remain by your side faithfully. No matter how hopeless, no matter how dire the circumstances are, there is always hope. There is always comfort. Even when you think you are alone. In the wise wise words of Cathy Bates in P.S. I Love You, "The thing to remember is: if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too."

Second thing that's been eating at my thoughts: who the crap am I and what do I want? I've made up my mind so decidedly about so many things in my life. I have made *absolute* do's and don'ts lists for my life and I am so unwilling to yield on them. What if I made those choices at a very weird stage in my life? What if I've changed now? What if I don't want the same things but I'm just trying to convince myself, and everyone else around me, that I actually do?
My problem is that I have this overwhelming, heavy sense of self-obligation. Once I make a commitment to myself it almost can never be undone. Vegetarianism for example -- do I love it? Mmm, not so much. Have I dedicated two years and eight months of my life to it? YES, that I have. So I won't undo it now. That'd have been a waste of nearly three years of my life. That is exacty how I feel about decisions I've made regarding other things. Do I know they're the right choices? I don't know. But did I make them SOLIDLY? Yes, I did. And there's no getting around it now.

Or is there? Do I have a choice to get out? Is there freedom I can't see, lying on the beautiful horizon? Or no? What can I do to change the outcome? CAN I change the outcome? Or am I spending too much time over-analyzing, trying to play God when He's just going to drop an atomic bomb on my life anyways?


In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps. Proverbs 16: 9

Saturday, April 10, 2010

"I know that you can not be here."

"It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings." Proverbs 25: 2

I always do this to myself. I am so reliant on people it's insane. Something goes wrong in my life and I NEED to be surrounded by people to make it better. What happened to my independence? Why can't I deal with these things on my own? Why can't I just suck it up like I've always done?

There are things happening, SO many things that I do understand. I don't know how they're for my good or why I'm being tested because of them but I know that God has a plan. I know that all of this pain I am feeling is for a reason and even if people I love unintentionally contribute to them, it's not their goal. They're not doing it on purpose. They don't mean to pour salt in my wounds. And I have to accept the fact that my problems are just that -- MY PROBLEMS -- and it is not up to ANYONE to fix them but me. I put myself in messes everyday. Only I can take myself out. Only I can rearrange and untangle everything I've discombobulated in my life. No one else should have to shoulder that. No one else but me.

So yet again, my hopes were high about something, and they got shot down. On the day following one of the hardest day of my life. But, He is still on the throne, even when I can't have everything I want. Even though my heart has been broken for three years, He is still on the throne. He is still alive. And He is still fighting for me before the Father in Heaven.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Friday, April 2, 2010

"But I will fight for you. Be sure that I will fight until we're the special two once again."

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4: 29

So, I got my heart broken again today. Yes, this is a daily occurrence if you were wondering. Word of advice: when friends are hurting, don't say anything to irritate them more. I don't care if your relationship has been built on knock knock jokes or the most sadistic, unsentimental kind of sarcasm. DO NOT joke around with someone who is already pissed off. It only ends it hurtful words, or better yet, unsaid kind words. Today was a prime example of that in my life. My friend was already upset about something and going into a withdrawn mode and I said some things I should not have said. They weren't even funny things, they were serious things. But apparently there was some unspoken conversation that was taking place where they felt I was putting words into their mouth, which I absolutely wasn't, and it made them become even more withdrawn. And then I started to think that I was doing something wrong (which maybe in a way I was) and I took it personally. It was messy and we ended on a bad note. Granted, things are better now, but it was really messy for a while. And I want to encourage you -- if someone is hurting you, do not shut your mouth and take it with a smile. I am a victim of this EVERY SINGLE DAY, I beat myself up over the stupidest things because I think I deserve the pain, but I have learned it has to be a conscious effort. You have to step out of your comfort zone and confront people about hurting you when you would not have even dreamed of doing that before. There comes a time when you have to stop being a doormat and you have to view yourself as what you are -- a human being with feelings and emotions and wounds. And if you are viewed as anything less, it is not right.

I put my heart on the line everyday and I have to learn to guard it more. God's Word tells us that we are to guard it because it is the well spring of life. I do not want to damage my water supply. Why would I want to do that? I want to be as healthy (in life AND in Christ) as possible. And demeaning myself is no way to get there.

One step closer to where I need to be? Absolutely.

Also understand this -- that no matter how painful a situation may be, God is working it for your good. No matter how hopeless, helpless, painful or scary a situation seems... God is STILL doing it for YOUR good. He has your best interests at heart even when it doesn't seem like it. Like with my situation today -- I am SO GRATEFUL that it happened. It was so painful and I never, ever want to relive it -- BUT -- God revealed more of my friend to me through this painful experience. I feel like I am one step closer to cutting even the smallest hole in this brick wall they have built between themselves and all of humanity and that would never have happened had I not seen this side of them. I am confident that this was for my good, I SAW it work for my good, and you know what? This is only a taste of the amazing things God is going to do for the rest of my life.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,j]">[j] whok]">[k] have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8: 28

Thursday, April 1, 2010

"One of these days the sky's gonna break and everything will escape."

"For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God." Romans 8: 20-21

So, I guess this is what I get for getting my hopes up. It's so sad that in life, our flesh and hearts desire the things that are most impossible and intangible. We always want what we can't have. And today is just another situation that broke my heart that I can add to the endless list of failures in my life. You want something, you reach for it, and you don't get it. And you're left thinking "Why did I even get my hopes up if I suspected this was going to be the outcome all along?" Because we always hope for something better. And sometimes we just don't get it. That's actually the story of my life.

Will I let this affect my eternal optimism? No. But will it affect my temporary, present optimism? Yes. I'm devastated. I always do this to myself. Do I like the pain, or something? Can I not say no to a challenge?

"Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ." Philippians 1: 27

Saturday, March 27, 2010

"I feel like a shadow walking behind who you think I am."

"I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it." -- Romans 7: 18-20

This perfectly describes my life. I don't want to crave attention, but I do. And the more I tell myself I'm not craving attention, the more I am seeking it out. When I tell people I don't want their attention, it's a way to get attention. MY LIFE REVOLVES AROUND ATTENTION. Why do I even care? I am confident. I am comfortable. I've never relied on anyone to make me who I am. Why has that changed?

Is something changing within me? Is God changing my ideals? Am I not who I thought I was?

Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." -- Psalm 51: 9-12

I want to be different than this, O God. Grant me ability. And strength. And desire.