Sunday, June 27, 2010

"Give me a little time, leave me a lone a little while. Maybe it's not too late; not today..."

"For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a man's misery weighs heavily upon him." Ecclesiastes 8:6

I have so many thoughts running through my brain now, I can't even begin to try and sort them all out in a very coherent manner... but who's reading this anyways?

First of all, one though has been on my mind for the past few hours. I wonder what it would be like to be friends with myself. I always wonder if I'll ever meet anyone like me, who POURS their entire being into multiple relationships and constantly puts their heart on the line, and sacrifices themselves all the time to make sure that the other party is happy. I'm not bragging, I'm just genuinely curious. And I realize that I don't always do those things, but they are really common for me so it's interesting to consider. What if I did meet someone like me? Would I hate them? Would I hate certain things about them and love other things? I have no idea. I have no idea what it's like to be friends with me. Maybe I'll have someone tell me sometime. The whole truth.

You know what sucks? Being stuck in the middle of a conflict. Not even a conflict, just ... a rough patch. When you have to be a communicator for at LEAST one party during a fight, it sucks. So much. I don't care if I'm good with words, I don't care that I'm willing to be there for people no matter what it costs me. It sucks. And then let's just say that your best friend gets really damaged by something that you had to communicate, and then they start to get angry with themselves for hurting this other person, and that in turn hurts you because you just so happen to emotionally attach yourself to everyone within a 1000 mile radius of your body. Really, it's awesome... not. Sometimes I wonder why I am this way. Why I let myself get so whole-heartedly attached to people who sometimes could care less. Or if they do care, have a very interesting way of showing it. I don't know if I'll ever understand. But what I do know is that I'll never change. My heart was made to be an open door. Not a door mat, no, but the door to my heart is always open. And there is always, ALWAYS room for more people and more love inside of it. It is ever growing, ever expanding; ever populating. And I wouldn't have it any other way. But I would really stop the pain if I could. I wish I could take the joy and the happiness of getting emotionally attached to someone and get rid of the pain and agony and serious spiritual/emotional sickness when something is wrong with them. I feel it. I suffer along with them, no matter what.

And you know what? This all leads back to my love for attention. Why would someone be focusing on their problems when they could be focusing on me and my consistent optimism? Yes, that is honestly how selfish I am. Can you believe it? I would rather someone focus on me and my "words of wisdom" than shut themselves off or figure out what they're thinking alone. I can't stand to be out of the loop. My human nature gets the better of me so much and it's so disgusting. I wish I wasn't such a freak for attention. I pray that God will continue to remove that poision from my blood stream.

Guess what? Tomorrrow is a new day. A fresh slate. A chance to start again, a chance to address an issue in a different way; a chance to react to every single that happens differently. Tomorrow is a whole new 24 hour adventure, a new opportunity in and of itself. How could I pass that up? Here goes.

"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up." James 4:10

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