Tuesday, May 11, 2010

"When you go would you even turn to say, 'I don't like you like I did yesterday.'?"

But I call to God, and the LORD saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice. He ransoms me unharmed from the battle waged against me, even though many oppose me. God, who is enthroned forever, will hear them and afflict them-- Pslam 55: 16-19


I am so frustrated right now. I literally want to tear my hair out. How can someone expect their friendship with you to be strong if they shut you out/shut off their emotions around you/respond so shortly to everything you say? I'm so aggravated I could kill someone or cry or scream or break my hand by punching my wall. I DON'T WHAT TO DO. I don't know what it is about me that is so inadequate for you. I don't know why you can't just be the way you used to be with me. What changed on your end? Because on my end nothing has changed. I still love you as much as I did. I still love you the same WAY I did back then. There is nothing weird going on here. Why are you reading into this so much? I can not for the life of me understand why you want to push me away. It is hurting me so terribly.

We made promises. We made promises to each other that we would be honest, even if it meant hurting the other person's feelings. We promised we would never walk on egg shells with each other or sugar coat anything that needed to be said. But we are doing EXACTLY that because you don't tell me ANYTHING (due to fear or anger or confusion, I don't know what) and I won't tell you how I feel because I am so, so scared to lose you. The last time we fought I was in so much pain I literally can not describe it to you. My heart was completely broken. And we were on the rocks for many, many hours. I don't want to know what would happen this time around. I don't know if you'd be able to forgive me if I said anything offensive; I don't know if you are honestly in a place right now where you can hear what I have to say openly. I don't know if mentally you are in the right place for me to say what I need to say without you getting your back up.

It's killing me that something has changed. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry I can't hold you. I'm sorry if I did anything to hurt you or make you sad or make you feel like I'm not who you thought I was. I don't know what to do anymore. You can only TRULY love me for everything I am and everything I DEFINITELY am not. And those are yours to accept, on your own time. But you should know: it's not a half and half deal. You either love ALL OF ME or you do not love me PERIOD. I can't have someone who can handle my encouraging, endearing, loving side and shut out my emotional, inquisitive, worrisome side. If you can't accept both then you can't accept me. PERIOD.

The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD; he is their stronghold in times of trouble. The LORD helps them and delivers them; he delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in him. Psalm 37: 39-40

Saturday, May 8, 2010

"And up until I had sworn that I was content with loneliness."

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37: 4

Things work out. Even when we don't see it ahead of time.

There are situations that confront us and immediately we think we know the outcome. It is our human nature to look at a situation and automatically assume which way it's going to go. But (thank GOD) sometimes we are wrong. Even when things seem to be completely in the pooper, things can still work out to make everyone happy. And even if things may not be the way they were in the beginning, they're still exponentially better than they were to begin with. I know I'm being so evasive and I'm not making any sense by beating around the bush. But really, what I'm saying is OBVIOUS. It's spelled out for you. You just have to experience it to know what I mean; how to relate.

God is good. And He is faithful. And even when we won't see a way out, He provides one. Even when peace seems so far off, it is not; He gives us his OVERWHELMING peace for the millionth time, when we're most undeserving of it. Situations can seem so hopeless. But our God is not a good of hopelessness. Our God is a God of deliverance.

What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. Romans 7: 24-25

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

"My heart sank when I read that letter."

"Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow it will worry about itself. Each day has enough worries of its own." Matthew 6: 34

And sometimes I find that it's easier to let go of today's worries, too.

How frustrating is it when you come off totally differently than you intended? Prime example: I wanted to talk to my friend tonight and I seemed like the clingiest person alive. Maybe I come off that way sometimes without realizing it. I love people, I love conversations, I love attention (which we've come to realize as of late ... gag me) so I can see how "clinginess" would seem like a good descriptor of me but I sincerely hope that is not the case. I don't want to be a clingy, desperate person. I do not want that to be my nature. Nor do I want to be understood as that kind of person.

I think that sometimes even the people we love the most can misunderstand us. And even though this person and myself only texted a few times just to get the point, "I can't talk right now," I think maybe there are some unspoken annoyances in that situation that aren't going to be brought to light. And it's frustrating because I'm thinking, "You know me. You know how I am. Please don't get frustrated when I care about you or I want to talk to you." And even though this specific person didn't say he was annoyed, I have a suspicion that he was.

My advice in any situation like this would be: don't jump to conclusions. Understand that certain people are a certain way for a certain person and even if they annoy you, it's their way of showing that they love you. Sometimes it's hard for people to understand that who don't have this emotional flaw, but, try to be understanding nonetheless. They will appreciate it and hopefully, it will help you not jump to as many conclusions.

Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will be like him yourself. Proverbs 26: 4

Monday, May 3, 2010

"And it was then I realized the conscience never fades."

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

First of all, I want to begin by saying this: I know every single thing happens for a reason. Let us move on.

I am totally lost. Something happened recently, a falling out between a friend and myself, and now our dynamic is completely different. The way we talk is different, the way we feel is different sometimes, the way we prioritize our time is different. And maybe all of these are good things in one way or another, but some of them are not. At least they're not good in my heart. We used to be so lovey dovey all the time and then after one falling out, everything changed completely. He can't even say "I love you" all the way now. I completely avoid deep conversations because I'm scared the outcome will be the same as the last fight (the one that caused this.) Sometimes I seriously wonder if he hates me even though I always come back to reality and convince myself he doesn't because I know he doesn't. I don't know what's happening or what changed in him. Maybe he and I have different views on what a friendship could be and he never realized it before and all of a sudden it hit him when we got into that fight. Maybe his mindset/worldview completely changed after that argument of ours. But if that was the case, why wouldn't he explain himself to me? Why COULDN'T he explain himself to me? Is avoiding the issue SO important to him that he's willing to leave me hanging just so he can find some peace in ignorance?

I don't know what he's thinking, and I'm too scared to ask. I'm too scared to try and get under his skin and deep into his brain because he's already distanced himself from me due to the last time we had a super serious conversation. Who's to say he won't COMPLETELY shut himself off from me this time? I don't want to push and making anything harder on him. I just want to understand.

I don't know if I ever will understand. He told me himself he wasn't really up for talking about it (which I absolutely was/am because I am a WOMAN and I CONFRONT things in the hopes of FIXING them, he is a man and clearly does not want the same things) and I'm doing my best to respect his wishes. All things considered, I think I've done a great job of trying to keep our friendship semi-on the surface recently and not digging into anything too too serious. Maybe he needs time to heal, time to register everything that happened and realize that he's over reacting. Or maybe our dynamic has seriously changed for good and it just is what it is. Once again I'll have to deal with the pain of getting my heart broken and settle for what works for the other party involved. Not me. And that's what I do, is it not? I sacrifice to make other people happy. I give up my happiness to see it abundantly in others. That's the way of my world. And it shouldn't surprise me now. Old habits die hard, this is no different. Maybe I will have to settle once again... when I thought in this case it would NEVER be necessary. And by "settle" I don't mean settle for HIM because he is a great deal more than what I deserve in a friendship. But I mean settle for this pain to make sure that he is comfortable and happy.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6: 9