Monday, April 19, 2010

"Next time you point a finger, I'll point you to the mirror."

"And I want you to stress these things, so that those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing waht is good. These things are excellent and profitable for everyone." Titus 3: 8b

It is so hard disagreeing with your best friends on something semi-major and simultaneously insignificant. It's especially hard when you and EVERY ONE of your closest friends hold a different view on a matter. In my case, it's the boundaries girl friends and guy friends should have. I hold the view that touching hands is okay and hugging is okay as long as there's no PDA involved. I think it's perfectly fine for someone whose love language is touch to show their affection to another human being in that way. As long as both parties know there are no romantic feelings involved, what is the big deal? In my opinion it ISN'T a big deal, but everyone else seems to think it is.

Here's the thing: my reputation is important to me. I want to be remembered for good things. I want to be remembered for following the rules and making wise choices. I want to be remembered for the wonderful things I did. I don't want to leave my school with a bad after taste after my departure. I want everyone to understand that the way I show my love to people is through TOUCH, and that I have NO ULTERIOR MOTIVES! I don't have any tricks up my sleeve. I'm not trying to bend the rules. I'm not trying to be rebellious. I'm just being me, who happens to show my love to people through touch and hugs and lots of laughter. I think that's too much for some people to accept, though.

I know this will not always be an issue. I know my God does everything for my good. And I can only pray that me reputation is solid. Maybe it's time to me to start being more careful for the sake of my reputation.

"For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 2 Timothy 4: 6-7

Sunday, April 18, 2010

"What's she got that I don't have? What's she got that I don't have?"

"O LORD, I call to you; come quickly to me. Hear my voice when I call to you." Pslam 141: 1

First of all, let me just say that being the second option in life REALLY ROCKS. Not. Honestly, I've been number my whole life. In every relationship I've ever been in I've been number two. And countless times I've gotten into relationships with people where I swear I won't be. I swear they love me enough that I won't be their second option. I swear they're attentive enough to my feelings that they won't view me as their back up plan. And I get proven wrong every time. Clearly I should not be getting my hopes up about friendships in general, but I am an eternally optimistic person and I can not help the way that I view life. In my eyes, the cup will always be half full. There's no getting around it. Hence, I'm sure I will be let down in some way, everyday for the rest of my life. It what it is.

What is it about me that screams "second option!"? I have a theory, and it might be far fetched, but here it is. Maybe I am people's second option because everyone else (and their mother) has a significant other of some sort to worry about and I don't. I have shut myself off from the romantic side of life when ALL of my friends have not, so maybe I seriously am their second option because they put their boy toy/girl toy (as a matter of speaking) ahead of me on their list of priorities. If this is the case, it has been happening my entire life and I should not be surprised. But it still stings just as much the 500th time as it did the first time. I never become immune to emotional pain. Why can't I just move forward with life? Why can't I build walls around my heart? WHY CAN'T I GUARD MY HEART? I am incapable. I am a doormat to humanity and I am a doormat to the people I care about and I have a sick feeling that it will always be this way. Isn't that just fabulous?

For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. 1 John 3: 20b.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

"Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?"

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 5: 3

Tonight my mind is plagued by two separate things. Both have to do with love, but one does not have to do with me. Also, one does not make sense. It will not make sense to anyone who reads it (even though no one will) because it doesn't make sense to me. So, be prepared for some word vomit.

First, my best friend is absolutely heart broken today. And it absolutely destroys me inside. She is having some major relationship problems with her boyfriend right now and it is honestly boiling down to -- "do I want to be with him or not?" There are major differences between the two of them that they are just not sure they can get past. He seems to be careless and unfeeling and guilty at times and he chooses other things over her. Is this something she can live with for forever? That is what she is trying to decide. For me, it's so black and white. It's either stay with him or don't and make up your mind quickly about it. I don't like let things linger. But this is not at all how the situation is. This break up/reconciliation (whatever they decide) will take time and space and tears and time in the Word. And eventually they will have to come to some consensus, one way or another. But God is good and God is faithful, and He number one always has our best interests at heart, and number two NEVER gives us anything He knows we can not handle. How much does that say about her character that He is giving her such a ginormous, seemingly insurpassable obstacle in her life? I know she will come out victorious, no matter what the outcome is. But because her heart is broken, my heart is broken. And I am in pain with her every step of the way until this is resolved.
That would be my advice to anyone who's dealing with a break up or emotional trauma: NEVER FORGET that you are surrounded by "such a great cloud of witnesses" (Heb. 12), people who love you with all their hearts and are willing and able to help you through it and will remain by your side faithfully. No matter how hopeless, no matter how dire the circumstances are, there is always hope. There is always comfort. Even when you think you are alone. In the wise wise words of Cathy Bates in P.S. I Love You, "The thing to remember is: if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too."

Second thing that's been eating at my thoughts: who the crap am I and what do I want? I've made up my mind so decidedly about so many things in my life. I have made *absolute* do's and don'ts lists for my life and I am so unwilling to yield on them. What if I made those choices at a very weird stage in my life? What if I've changed now? What if I don't want the same things but I'm just trying to convince myself, and everyone else around me, that I actually do?
My problem is that I have this overwhelming, heavy sense of self-obligation. Once I make a commitment to myself it almost can never be undone. Vegetarianism for example -- do I love it? Mmm, not so much. Have I dedicated two years and eight months of my life to it? YES, that I have. So I won't undo it now. That'd have been a waste of nearly three years of my life. That is exacty how I feel about decisions I've made regarding other things. Do I know they're the right choices? I don't know. But did I make them SOLIDLY? Yes, I did. And there's no getting around it now.

Or is there? Do I have a choice to get out? Is there freedom I can't see, lying on the beautiful horizon? Or no? What can I do to change the outcome? CAN I change the outcome? Or am I spending too much time over-analyzing, trying to play God when He's just going to drop an atomic bomb on my life anyways?


In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps. Proverbs 16: 9

Saturday, April 10, 2010

"I know that you can not be here."

"It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings." Proverbs 25: 2

I always do this to myself. I am so reliant on people it's insane. Something goes wrong in my life and I NEED to be surrounded by people to make it better. What happened to my independence? Why can't I deal with these things on my own? Why can't I just suck it up like I've always done?

There are things happening, SO many things that I do understand. I don't know how they're for my good or why I'm being tested because of them but I know that God has a plan. I know that all of this pain I am feeling is for a reason and even if people I love unintentionally contribute to them, it's not their goal. They're not doing it on purpose. They don't mean to pour salt in my wounds. And I have to accept the fact that my problems are just that -- MY PROBLEMS -- and it is not up to ANYONE to fix them but me. I put myself in messes everyday. Only I can take myself out. Only I can rearrange and untangle everything I've discombobulated in my life. No one else should have to shoulder that. No one else but me.

So yet again, my hopes were high about something, and they got shot down. On the day following one of the hardest day of my life. But, He is still on the throne, even when I can't have everything I want. Even though my heart has been broken for three years, He is still on the throne. He is still alive. And He is still fighting for me before the Father in Heaven.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Friday, April 2, 2010

"But I will fight for you. Be sure that I will fight until we're the special two once again."

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4: 29

So, I got my heart broken again today. Yes, this is a daily occurrence if you were wondering. Word of advice: when friends are hurting, don't say anything to irritate them more. I don't care if your relationship has been built on knock knock jokes or the most sadistic, unsentimental kind of sarcasm. DO NOT joke around with someone who is already pissed off. It only ends it hurtful words, or better yet, unsaid kind words. Today was a prime example of that in my life. My friend was already upset about something and going into a withdrawn mode and I said some things I should not have said. They weren't even funny things, they were serious things. But apparently there was some unspoken conversation that was taking place where they felt I was putting words into their mouth, which I absolutely wasn't, and it made them become even more withdrawn. And then I started to think that I was doing something wrong (which maybe in a way I was) and I took it personally. It was messy and we ended on a bad note. Granted, things are better now, but it was really messy for a while. And I want to encourage you -- if someone is hurting you, do not shut your mouth and take it with a smile. I am a victim of this EVERY SINGLE DAY, I beat myself up over the stupidest things because I think I deserve the pain, but I have learned it has to be a conscious effort. You have to step out of your comfort zone and confront people about hurting you when you would not have even dreamed of doing that before. There comes a time when you have to stop being a doormat and you have to view yourself as what you are -- a human being with feelings and emotions and wounds. And if you are viewed as anything less, it is not right.

I put my heart on the line everyday and I have to learn to guard it more. God's Word tells us that we are to guard it because it is the well spring of life. I do not want to damage my water supply. Why would I want to do that? I want to be as healthy (in life AND in Christ) as possible. And demeaning myself is no way to get there.

One step closer to where I need to be? Absolutely.

Also understand this -- that no matter how painful a situation may be, God is working it for your good. No matter how hopeless, helpless, painful or scary a situation seems... God is STILL doing it for YOUR good. He has your best interests at heart even when it doesn't seem like it. Like with my situation today -- I am SO GRATEFUL that it happened. It was so painful and I never, ever want to relive it -- BUT -- God revealed more of my friend to me through this painful experience. I feel like I am one step closer to cutting even the smallest hole in this brick wall they have built between themselves and all of humanity and that would never have happened had I not seen this side of them. I am confident that this was for my good, I SAW it work for my good, and you know what? This is only a taste of the amazing things God is going to do for the rest of my life.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,j]">[j] whok]">[k] have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8: 28

Thursday, April 1, 2010

"One of these days the sky's gonna break and everything will escape."

"For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God." Romans 8: 20-21

So, I guess this is what I get for getting my hopes up. It's so sad that in life, our flesh and hearts desire the things that are most impossible and intangible. We always want what we can't have. And today is just another situation that broke my heart that I can add to the endless list of failures in my life. You want something, you reach for it, and you don't get it. And you're left thinking "Why did I even get my hopes up if I suspected this was going to be the outcome all along?" Because we always hope for something better. And sometimes we just don't get it. That's actually the story of my life.

Will I let this affect my eternal optimism? No. But will it affect my temporary, present optimism? Yes. I'm devastated. I always do this to myself. Do I like the pain, or something? Can I not say no to a challenge?

"Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ." Philippians 1: 27