Sunday, June 20, 2010

"When you call, my heart stops beating; when you're gone, it won't stop bleeding."

In his heart a man plans his coures, but the LORD determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Many things to discuss today. For one thing, I am stressed beyond belief. Getting college stuff thrown at you, even periodically, is enough to drive you insane. So far I am like, $5,550 short for college. I have no idea where that money is going to come from. My butt? Not to mention, I already am going to have $4,500 in Stafford subsidized/unsubsidized loans. I can't imagine having this much debt hanging over my head when I get out of my college. What am I even going to do? The stress is eating me alive. Anytime I'm confronted with anything concerning college financial aid, I want to pass out, puke, cry, and run screaming simultaneously. I don't know what I'm going to do, but if I've learned ANYTHING in my life, it's that God is in control, no matter what. And He's waiting for us to choose Him over worry. And He can work some amazingly in the way that once you give it all up, all your ducks will be perfectly in a row. Your transition can be smooth as butter if you just simply trust Him. And so I will. Plus, I'm out of options... but God has to be the ONLY option, just *an* option.

Second reason I'm sad today, my best friend is leaving for six days. Ugh, this is horrible. He and I are very, very close and we text all the time, so this is going to be hard. But it will prepare us for when I go away to college, and more importantly, I know he's going to be growing closer to the Lord our God on this trip. God is going go reveal such marvelous things to him, I can feel it. But my heart is heavy with the distance :(

Third reason I'm sad today, I am preparing to say goodbye to a part of my life. There is a boy in my life who I have known for quite some time. And he was my best friend. And my attachment to him was unlike any other attachment I have ever had in my life. And he hurt me, and really shattered my heart into a thousand pieces, and never cared to put it back together or even try. He left me hanging like shrimp on a hook and never cared to take another glance in my direction. And I spent years of my life trying to recall what I did wrong, trying to relive the past, trying to make the same things happen that had happened in the past. I spent years of my life wondering what I did wrong, and how I could fix it. And eventually I realized... it wasn't me. I didn't do anything. This man changed into a person I didn't know anymore. The man I loved, my best friend, died. He doesn't exist anymore. And I have to stop clutching onto this hope that he will come back. And I need to stop pretending that one day he will tell me what went wrong, and what made him stop loving me, and why he abandoned who he truly is for this superficial, uncaring, indecent person. Anyways, today I boxed up everything in my room that belonged to him and/or was associated with him. Everything is in two boxes, and as soon as my best friend gets back, we're going to burn all of it. I need to say goodbye. I can't hold onto this person anymore. This person does not exist. And the scariest part of this process is: that piece of my heart that I gave to my best friend will be burning along with all of those things because he doesn't exist anymore, and this new person doesn't want it. Distance really can do wonders to people... and to relationships.

My heart and mind are in a million difference places. But at the end of the day, God is still God. I believe that, I trust that, I embrace that with my entire being. I don't know what I'm going ANY of the time, and I don't know where to go or who to trust. But He is still faithful. His mercies and His graces rain down on me all the time, so undeservedly. Or I guess deservedly now, thanks to the blood of Christ that cleanses me.

I am stressed... but I am free.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough worries of its own. Matthew 7:6

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