Saturday, March 27, 2010

"I feel like a shadow walking behind who you think I am."

"I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it." -- Romans 7: 18-20

This perfectly describes my life. I don't want to crave attention, but I do. And the more I tell myself I'm not craving attention, the more I am seeking it out. When I tell people I don't want their attention, it's a way to get attention. MY LIFE REVOLVES AROUND ATTENTION. Why do I even care? I am confident. I am comfortable. I've never relied on anyone to make me who I am. Why has that changed?

Is something changing within me? Is God changing my ideals? Am I not who I thought I was?

Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." -- Psalm 51: 9-12

I want to be different than this, O God. Grant me ability. And strength. And desire.