Sunday, June 27, 2010

"Give me a little time, leave me a lone a little while. Maybe it's not too late; not today..."

"For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a man's misery weighs heavily upon him." Ecclesiastes 8:6

I have so many thoughts running through my brain now, I can't even begin to try and sort them all out in a very coherent manner... but who's reading this anyways?

First of all, one though has been on my mind for the past few hours. I wonder what it would be like to be friends with myself. I always wonder if I'll ever meet anyone like me, who POURS their entire being into multiple relationships and constantly puts their heart on the line, and sacrifices themselves all the time to make sure that the other party is happy. I'm not bragging, I'm just genuinely curious. And I realize that I don't always do those things, but they are really common for me so it's interesting to consider. What if I did meet someone like me? Would I hate them? Would I hate certain things about them and love other things? I have no idea. I have no idea what it's like to be friends with me. Maybe I'll have someone tell me sometime. The whole truth.

You know what sucks? Being stuck in the middle of a conflict. Not even a conflict, just ... a rough patch. When you have to be a communicator for at LEAST one party during a fight, it sucks. So much. I don't care if I'm good with words, I don't care that I'm willing to be there for people no matter what it costs me. It sucks. And then let's just say that your best friend gets really damaged by something that you had to communicate, and then they start to get angry with themselves for hurting this other person, and that in turn hurts you because you just so happen to emotionally attach yourself to everyone within a 1000 mile radius of your body. Really, it's awesome... not. Sometimes I wonder why I am this way. Why I let myself get so whole-heartedly attached to people who sometimes could care less. Or if they do care, have a very interesting way of showing it. I don't know if I'll ever understand. But what I do know is that I'll never change. My heart was made to be an open door. Not a door mat, no, but the door to my heart is always open. And there is always, ALWAYS room for more people and more love inside of it. It is ever growing, ever expanding; ever populating. And I wouldn't have it any other way. But I would really stop the pain if I could. I wish I could take the joy and the happiness of getting emotionally attached to someone and get rid of the pain and agony and serious spiritual/emotional sickness when something is wrong with them. I feel it. I suffer along with them, no matter what.

And you know what? This all leads back to my love for attention. Why would someone be focusing on their problems when they could be focusing on me and my consistent optimism? Yes, that is honestly how selfish I am. Can you believe it? I would rather someone focus on me and my "words of wisdom" than shut themselves off or figure out what they're thinking alone. I can't stand to be out of the loop. My human nature gets the better of me so much and it's so disgusting. I wish I wasn't such a freak for attention. I pray that God will continue to remove that poision from my blood stream.

Guess what? Tomorrrow is a new day. A fresh slate. A chance to start again, a chance to address an issue in a different way; a chance to react to every single that happens differently. Tomorrow is a whole new 24 hour adventure, a new opportunity in and of itself. How could I pass that up? Here goes.

"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up." James 4:10

Sunday, June 20, 2010

"When you call, my heart stops beating; when you're gone, it won't stop bleeding."

In his heart a man plans his coures, but the LORD determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Many things to discuss today. For one thing, I am stressed beyond belief. Getting college stuff thrown at you, even periodically, is enough to drive you insane. So far I am like, $5,550 short for college. I have no idea where that money is going to come from. My butt? Not to mention, I already am going to have $4,500 in Stafford subsidized/unsubsidized loans. I can't imagine having this much debt hanging over my head when I get out of my college. What am I even going to do? The stress is eating me alive. Anytime I'm confronted with anything concerning college financial aid, I want to pass out, puke, cry, and run screaming simultaneously. I don't know what I'm going to do, but if I've learned ANYTHING in my life, it's that God is in control, no matter what. And He's waiting for us to choose Him over worry. And He can work some amazingly in the way that once you give it all up, all your ducks will be perfectly in a row. Your transition can be smooth as butter if you just simply trust Him. And so I will. Plus, I'm out of options... but God has to be the ONLY option, just *an* option.

Second reason I'm sad today, my best friend is leaving for six days. Ugh, this is horrible. He and I are very, very close and we text all the time, so this is going to be hard. But it will prepare us for when I go away to college, and more importantly, I know he's going to be growing closer to the Lord our God on this trip. God is going go reveal such marvelous things to him, I can feel it. But my heart is heavy with the distance :(

Third reason I'm sad today, I am preparing to say goodbye to a part of my life. There is a boy in my life who I have known for quite some time. And he was my best friend. And my attachment to him was unlike any other attachment I have ever had in my life. And he hurt me, and really shattered my heart into a thousand pieces, and never cared to put it back together or even try. He left me hanging like shrimp on a hook and never cared to take another glance in my direction. And I spent years of my life trying to recall what I did wrong, trying to relive the past, trying to make the same things happen that had happened in the past. I spent years of my life wondering what I did wrong, and how I could fix it. And eventually I realized... it wasn't me. I didn't do anything. This man changed into a person I didn't know anymore. The man I loved, my best friend, died. He doesn't exist anymore. And I have to stop clutching onto this hope that he will come back. And I need to stop pretending that one day he will tell me what went wrong, and what made him stop loving me, and why he abandoned who he truly is for this superficial, uncaring, indecent person. Anyways, today I boxed up everything in my room that belonged to him and/or was associated with him. Everything is in two boxes, and as soon as my best friend gets back, we're going to burn all of it. I need to say goodbye. I can't hold onto this person anymore. This person does not exist. And the scariest part of this process is: that piece of my heart that I gave to my best friend will be burning along with all of those things because he doesn't exist anymore, and this new person doesn't want it. Distance really can do wonders to people... and to relationships.

My heart and mind are in a million difference places. But at the end of the day, God is still God. I believe that, I trust that, I embrace that with my entire being. I don't know what I'm going ANY of the time, and I don't know where to go or who to trust. But He is still faithful. His mercies and His graces rain down on me all the time, so undeservedly. Or I guess deservedly now, thanks to the blood of Christ that cleanses me.

I am stressed... but I am free.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough worries of its own. Matthew 7:6

Thursday, June 17, 2010

"I'm learning to fall with no safety net to cushion the blow."

"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." Proverbs 17: 17

I've been thinking about this for the past few minutes because it's been on my mind, but it's something I really should think about all the time...

How INCREDIBLY lucky am I to live the life that I live? I mean, scratch all the superficial stuff like a good house and water to drink and food to eat (gag) and money and belongings which SO contribute to it. But ignore those for a second. I am the most BLESSED girl alive. I have been given such an amazing life. I have the best friends in the world. I can't even explain it to you. I have friends that drive down sketchy roads at 10pm at night with me, friends that deal with my alternate way of life, friends that love me more than their own body and PROVE it, friends that come to my house to watch movies they don't even want to see, friends that check up on me when I'm feeling terrible even when I'm the worst person to be talking to at that moment, friends who make me feel beautiful when I'm absolutely hideous, friends who pray for me consistently (which I know saves my life in so many ways), friends who reflect Jesus in nearly everything they do, friends who want to stay with me no matter how much baggage I bring to the table, friends who talk to me on the phone late at night, friends who protect me from evil (even when I don't see the evil), friends who make cookies/cakes just to make others happy, friends who consistently sacrifice things in their life to see me and other loved ones smile, friends who make me feel like I'm worth something when I feel like the scum of the earth, friends who put up with my INCREDIBLY annoying quirks, friends who laugh at and semi-encourage my sadistic sense of humor, friends who hold me when I'm tired/down/alone, friends who make me remember why I'm so optimistic everyday, friends who strengthen my spirit, friends who make me realize all the things I'm missing in life when I don't even realize something's missing, friends who see me for who I am, and not what I say.

And those are only the positive things! My friends also show me when I'm in the wrong, my friends confront me in love when the truly see an issue that needs to be dealt with, my friends give me a firm hand when I need it, my friends tell me when I'm not being myself, my friends tell me when I need to be more Christ-like, my friends tell me what I need to hear even when it's the LAST thing I want to hear, my friends help me see the lost causes when my heart is too immersed to see it, my friends protect me from my horribly inept self, my friends see the stupid things I do in life and rebuke me for them, my friends point out the sin in my life, my friends tell me flat out what they disagree with in me and motivate me to change it, my friends tell me when I'm not living up to my potential, my friends show me when something is getting the better of me.

Those only scratch the surface of the wonderful things the people I love have done in my life. I have been given this amazing opportunity to know such beautiful, wonderful, caring people who have changed my life so drastically. My entire outlook on life is different because of them. Without the love of my friends, how could I be so optimistic in this life? Without their love, hence Christ's love, how would I ever be able to wear a smile? How would I ever be able to face even one minute of the day? But I CAN do those things because I am not alone. I'm not alone in anyway. And sometimes I feel like I am, and in my heart at times I may be, but at the end of all things, I have a family of people surrounding who share in my pain and happiness. People who are hurt when I am hurt and carry me through every trial I'm too weak to endure by myself. I am such a weird person. I have so many quirks and strange habits that no one should have to put up with, but they do. They see them and LOVE me for them, not because they have to or because they're guilted into it (at least I hope not), but because they WANT to. They see Jesus inside of me and constantly push me to be Him, everyday of the week. No matter how far away from His likeness I've fallen.

My heart is overflowing with so many emotions right now. I'm so in awe of God and everything He's entrusted to me. So many hearts sit in the palm of my hand. And I've been given the task of taking care of them. And in turn, those hearts I hold are taking care of my heart, too. I'm surrounded by so much love and compassion sometimes I seriously can not fathom it. I can't understand how I'm deserving of such a beautiful life. But what I do know: Jesus traded His righteousness for my dirty, sinfulness which opened up endless possibilities for my life. And now, I'm deserving of anything. Now, I'm free to achieve anything. Now, nothing can hold me back. Not pain or hurt or self-doubt or health issues or being a hypochondriac or worthlessness or fear or nervousness or dismay. Nothing's holding me back in this new life I've been given. It's like everyday I'm a brand new creation, waiting to start everyday all over again. With the same beautiful people by my side, facing every new trial and obstacle right along with me.

I know I'm not describing this well. But... I love you all. So much I can't even begin to describe it. I love you so much it pains me to know you hurt or you're scared or you're alone. I know when we get to heaven (FINALLY) I'll finally be able to describe to you exactly how much you affected my life for the better, but for now all I can say is that you DIRECTLY affect everything I do. You make me who I am and you provide me with a constant safety net. You are the consistency in my life and without you, I would be nothing. Not one single thing.

Thank you, Jesus.

"Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." Proverbs 27: 6