"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21
First of all, I want to begin by saying this: I know every single thing happens for a reason. Let us move on.
I am totally lost. Something happened recently, a falling out between a friend and myself, and now our dynamic is completely different. The way we talk is different, the way we feel is different sometimes, the way we prioritize our time is different. And maybe all of these are good things in one way or another, but some of them are not. At least they're not good in my heart. We used to be so lovey dovey all the time and then after one falling out, everything changed completely. He can't even say "I love you" all the way now. I completely avoid deep conversations because I'm scared the outcome will be the same as the last fight (the one that caused this.) Sometimes I seriously wonder if he hates me even though I always come back to reality and convince myself he doesn't because I know he doesn't. I don't know what's happening or what changed in him. Maybe he and I have different views on what a friendship could be and he never realized it before and all of a sudden it hit him when we got into that fight. Maybe his mindset/worldview completely changed after that argument of ours. But if that was the case, why wouldn't he explain himself to me? Why COULDN'T he explain himself to me? Is avoiding the issue SO important to him that he's willing to leave me hanging just so he can find some peace in ignorance?
I don't know what he's thinking, and I'm too scared to ask. I'm too scared to try and get under his skin and deep into his brain because he's already distanced himself from me due to the last time we had a super serious conversation. Who's to say he won't COMPLETELY shut himself off from me this time? I don't want to push and making anything harder on him. I just want to understand.
I don't know if I ever will understand. He told me himself he wasn't really up for talking about it (which I absolutely was/am because I am a WOMAN and I CONFRONT things in the hopes of FIXING them, he is a man and clearly does not want the same things) and I'm doing my best to respect his wishes. All things considered, I think I've done a great job of trying to keep our friendship semi-on the surface recently and not digging into anything too too serious. Maybe he needs time to heal, time to register everything that happened and realize that he's over reacting. Or maybe our dynamic has seriously changed for good and it just is what it is. Once again I'll have to deal with the pain of getting my heart broken and settle for what works for the other party involved. Not me. And that's what I do, is it not? I sacrifice to make other people happy. I give up my happiness to see it abundantly in others. That's the way of my world. And it shouldn't surprise me now. Old habits die hard, this is no different. Maybe I will have to settle once again... when I thought in this case it would NEVER be necessary. And by "settle" I don't mean settle for HIM because he is a great deal more than what I deserve in a friendship. But I mean settle for this pain to make sure that he is comfortable and happy.
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6: 9