Sunday, April 11, 2010

"Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?"

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 5: 3

Tonight my mind is plagued by two separate things. Both have to do with love, but one does not have to do with me. Also, one does not make sense. It will not make sense to anyone who reads it (even though no one will) because it doesn't make sense to me. So, be prepared for some word vomit.

First, my best friend is absolutely heart broken today. And it absolutely destroys me inside. She is having some major relationship problems with her boyfriend right now and it is honestly boiling down to -- "do I want to be with him or not?" There are major differences between the two of them that they are just not sure they can get past. He seems to be careless and unfeeling and guilty at times and he chooses other things over her. Is this something she can live with for forever? That is what she is trying to decide. For me, it's so black and white. It's either stay with him or don't and make up your mind quickly about it. I don't like let things linger. But this is not at all how the situation is. This break up/reconciliation (whatever they decide) will take time and space and tears and time in the Word. And eventually they will have to come to some consensus, one way or another. But God is good and God is faithful, and He number one always has our best interests at heart, and number two NEVER gives us anything He knows we can not handle. How much does that say about her character that He is giving her such a ginormous, seemingly insurpassable obstacle in her life? I know she will come out victorious, no matter what the outcome is. But because her heart is broken, my heart is broken. And I am in pain with her every step of the way until this is resolved.
That would be my advice to anyone who's dealing with a break up or emotional trauma: NEVER FORGET that you are surrounded by "such a great cloud of witnesses" (Heb. 12), people who love you with all their hearts and are willing and able to help you through it and will remain by your side faithfully. No matter how hopeless, no matter how dire the circumstances are, there is always hope. There is always comfort. Even when you think you are alone. In the wise wise words of Cathy Bates in P.S. I Love You, "The thing to remember is: if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too."

Second thing that's been eating at my thoughts: who the crap am I and what do I want? I've made up my mind so decidedly about so many things in my life. I have made *absolute* do's and don'ts lists for my life and I am so unwilling to yield on them. What if I made those choices at a very weird stage in my life? What if I've changed now? What if I don't want the same things but I'm just trying to convince myself, and everyone else around me, that I actually do?
My problem is that I have this overwhelming, heavy sense of self-obligation. Once I make a commitment to myself it almost can never be undone. Vegetarianism for example -- do I love it? Mmm, not so much. Have I dedicated two years and eight months of my life to it? YES, that I have. So I won't undo it now. That'd have been a waste of nearly three years of my life. That is exacty how I feel about decisions I've made regarding other things. Do I know they're the right choices? I don't know. But did I make them SOLIDLY? Yes, I did. And there's no getting around it now.

Or is there? Do I have a choice to get out? Is there freedom I can't see, lying on the beautiful horizon? Or no? What can I do to change the outcome? CAN I change the outcome? Or am I spending too much time over-analyzing, trying to play God when He's just going to drop an atomic bomb on my life anyways?


In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps. Proverbs 16: 9

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